The Last Week of 1st Grade

Only 5 and half more days of grade one!

  

And from here, instead of talking about the school year, I am sharing some honest feelings about my sweet Catelyn.

I am not sure I am ready for her to be at home all day long.  Honestly, Catelyn has been hard these last few months. 

We love her dearly, we loose sleep over her regularly, and sometimes feel at a loss for what to do other than what we are doing. Extra one on one time, reward systems, prayer, scripture study, FHE, etc.

She was always a busy baby, and grew right into herself, from those first few days.

And now, as she finishes up 1st grade, to move on to 2nd, I am nervous for her to keep getting older.

She is so excited to finish up school and have summer at her beck-and-call.  I am not sure she likes school other than for it's social aspect.  She is a well liked little girl in class, popluar if you will, and angelic to her teacher.  There are days at home though, where I wonder if she isn't a different person at home compared to at school.

My mom said I was just the exact same way.  But when I was 15, not 7.

Tonight Catelyn was pretty upset about a few things, and got in trouble for taking Ila's watch and not returning it.  A string of lies turned into screaming and gnashing of teeth, weeping and wailing, complete with body thrashing.  

I know how those who end up in hell will act like now.  I have seen it in real life.

But devasting to me, were the words, 

"I am going to kill myself."

Perhaps I shouldn't even be blogging this, but one day, I think it might be good and wise of me to record her personality in all it's colors.  So, where did she get that!?!?!  Certainly we don't say that and I do not think she has heard that on television, but there isn't any way of really knowing if she caught it off a commercial, a show, the playground or another friend.  I suppose it doesn't matter where it came from.

Oh my sweet Catelyn.  The thought is heartbreaking to me. 

She is the sweetest, prettiest little girl. My heart aches to think of her not here in my life.

It makes me bleed inside to think I ever treated my mom this way.

How do I truly help her see how much she is worth to me?

I can't seem to say it enough, hug her enough, do enough.

Other than Kyle, no one really sees what we go through in our home.

How many hugs are share, smiles, and laughter.

Tears, and fights, and anger too.

Trying to balance disciple with play and learning and sharing attention to all 4 of them is a tough job.

It honestly makes me wonder how Jesus would handle it.  How would He get through to her when she is lying and yelling and throwing herself all over?  Because I think I have tried just about every response I can think of.

The thought of this behavior lasting through into her teens makes me tired.

If it passes will it only return?

And while I appreciate advice, and while I try to be a better mother, listener and understanding, nothing anyone has offered seems to be helping as of yet.  The last few months, Catelyn has even been seeing the school Counselor to help with her mood swings.  It seems to help some.  However, is there more we can do?

 

Things I love about Catelyn:
She has the most contagious laugh and smile.

She is kind and caring for Brooklyn on a daily basis.

She is thoughtful.

She thrives off of playing with others.

She has the most beautiful hair and eyes.

She is brave.

She is usually patient with me when doing her hair, etc.

She loves to sing in the shower!

She has a great memory, and can recite several Articles of Faith.

She comes up with creative ideas for play with Landon and Jocelyn.

I can count on her to rub my back!

She loves to dress up, play with make-up and perfume, and wear earrings.

She has worked hard to learn to read and is good at math.

She bears her testimony at church.

She loves us.